Climbing Moutains

Growing up one of my older sisters and I had a saying...  "Climb the mountain so you can ski down the other side"  Another one of the sayings I hear often is "Life's reward is the journey itself"... to be honest, the journey really sucks, especially  when it feels like a constant push up hill...

Another year has passed since my husband was killed... "time heals all wounds, right"?  I would love to be able to agree with that statement, but no matter what, the scar remains as a reminder, and four years later the wound still oozes almost like an infection... I get tired of feeling the broken heart inside my chest....

Every year on the anniversary of the day he was taken from me, my hope is to face that day on the top of a mountain.  My meager human attempt at trying to get as close to heaven as I can.  The climb is always a challenge and I continuously think of him and try to draw from his strength.  A symbolic journey that represents my life as it is now.  Rather than facing the heartache at some memorial, my heart will burn from exhaustion as I complete a memorial climb.  It's my commitment every year to continue this climb and this journey even though he is no longer physically in my life.  This last year it was more of a physical challenge then the mental challenge it has been in the past.  I believe that mentally I have grown stronger.  I've prepared myself for the inevitable fact that this climb and journey I am going to have to go through alone.  We did a lot of climbing together, we always faced our challenges as a team.  I lost my partner that would ensure our summit together.  The climb that was once shared and endured with my best friend, is now a test of self endurance and motivation.

Even on the days the endurance and motivation seem to be non existence, I think back on the climb and try to put life in perspective...  all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving... stop and rest every once in awhile and enjoy the majestic scenery of life in every aspect or catch a break and take a nap if I'm too tired....

Stepping Back in Time

I came home to the place of my childhood for a wedding...  Now you would think it would be a wonderful occasion, family and friends all gathering together to witness the coming together of two young people in love...  However, there are a number of things wrong with that when you see it through my eyes...

First, is the drive home across the Nevada desert with plenty of time to get the wheels in my head turning and spinning...  The poor widow me takes over as I contemplate the beautiful time in my life, when I wedded someone that I truly loved and had the promise of building our dreams together for the future-- only to be snatched away from me by someone driving under the influence and killing my beloved...  In a matter of moments the course of my life was knocked off it's axis with frequent aftershocks still trembling through the ground that was once solid beneath my dreams...  and yet as shaken as my life has become, everyone else's life goes on in a semi charted course...

Second, going home to the family with relatives and sisters all being present...  the dynamics and personalities resort back to the perhaps sibling rivalry that was ever present as we grew up until we each got our own lives and put a little distance between us so we could appreciate the good parts of our relationships without being bombarded by the bad...

Third, the judgement that seems to be laid with slight comments can be paralyzing at times...  don't make any quick sudden movements, think carefully about what you are going to say before you say it (because inevitably it will be heard as something critical), and under any circumstances don't let them know what is really going through your mind...  Although I have a tendency to say exactly what is on my mind, my way of keeping it real (probably not always a good thing).... If you can, just sit back and watch the event unfold and just always make sure they know you love them...

I will say that while I miss my Dad being here, it isn't bad to not be bothered about not contributing to the grandchild pool...  Especially when I'm surrounded by my sisters, their wonderful husbands and their many beautiful children...

I do love my family, and it is nice being able to spend time with them and get caught up on what is going on in their lives...  Sometimes I get too disconnected...