Life Will Continue! Am I ready?

Some dreams die, some dreams come true.  The key is to not stop dreaming.  Eventually the dreamy fantasies will either develop to achieved goals or wismical wishes.  I have had a dream for one third of my life that always seemed to be blocked by life's detours, obstacles, and dead ends.  The dream still remained.  

Finally after so many years the dream is about to begin.  It can happen, it is about to happen, the question now is will I have the attitude, energy, and drive to see it through to the end.  Or will I let the tragedy of the past continue to overshadow my future.

Time to figure out my true strength of character....  but before I get too serious... I had to take one last major vacation!  and it was good!

Away from Home

What is home?

It's defined as
--the place where one lives permanently, esp. as a member of a family or household
--The family or social unit occupying such a place
--a place where something flourishes, is most typically found, or from which it originates

It's related to where one lives, ones own country and its domestic affairs
It's known as a place one returns to by instinct to its territory after leaving it.

You can "home" in on something, move or be aimed toward something with great accuracy and focussed attention on

You can be at home (in one's own house) in ones own neighborhood town or country

You can make yourself at home, someone may invite you to make yourself comfortable and at ease in their home.

You can bring something home to someone.  Helping others to realize the full significance of something.  You can drive something home, or hit home.

Home can be where the heart is, the place you will always feel the deepest affection no matter where you are.

Home has a lot to do with comfort, peace, a place of familiarity in all things.  Can you be away from home and still feel at home?  What if you really never feel at home anywhere?  Do you ever feel comfort and peace?  If home is where the heart is... what if your heart is broken... is your home broken too?

If you try to return to your home of childhood, but it has become unfamiliar and uncomfortable, can you really say you are going home?

Home is a fragile place, even though it can be a tangible place, I think it is more of a state of mind.

I can be at home sitting at a table anywhere with my closest friends.  I can be at my house and not really feel at home at all.  I can feel at home when I'm standing all alone in a place I've never been before as I watch the familiar sun setting low over the Pacific Ocean.  I may not have been there before but it is a familiar view.  I feel at home when I withdraw into my own mind.  I've overcome any feeling of homesickness because home is where I am able to have a calm peaceful mind.  I can find home when I tune the world out and listen to my favorite song.

Home is not a place, it's defined by the feeling I carry at the time.  It's where I am happiest.  If the world overcomes me and I lose that peace, I can withdraw and always find home somewhere inside my soul.  It took me a long time to realize that, but now that I have, I can come home whenever I want no matter where I am...
 

Climbing Moutains

Growing up one of my older sisters and I had a saying...  "Climb the mountain so you can ski down the other side"  Another one of the sayings I hear often is "Life's reward is the journey itself"... to be honest, the journey really sucks, especially  when it feels like a constant push up hill...

Another year has passed since my husband was killed... "time heals all wounds, right"?  I would love to be able to agree with that statement, but no matter what, the scar remains as a reminder, and four years later the wound still oozes almost like an infection... I get tired of feeling the broken heart inside my chest....

Every year on the anniversary of the day he was taken from me, my hope is to face that day on the top of a mountain.  My meager human attempt at trying to get as close to heaven as I can.  The climb is always a challenge and I continuously think of him and try to draw from his strength.  A symbolic journey that represents my life as it is now.  Rather than facing the heartache at some memorial, my heart will burn from exhaustion as I complete a memorial climb.  It's my commitment every year to continue this climb and this journey even though he is no longer physically in my life.  This last year it was more of a physical challenge then the mental challenge it has been in the past.  I believe that mentally I have grown stronger.  I've prepared myself for the inevitable fact that this climb and journey I am going to have to go through alone.  We did a lot of climbing together, we always faced our challenges as a team.  I lost my partner that would ensure our summit together.  The climb that was once shared and endured with my best friend, is now a test of self endurance and motivation.

Even on the days the endurance and motivation seem to be non existence, I think back on the climb and try to put life in perspective...  all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving... stop and rest every once in awhile and enjoy the majestic scenery of life in every aspect or catch a break and take a nap if I'm too tired....

Small Town Mentality

On my trip back to my home town I could have sworn it was almost like stepping into the twilight zone...  Growing up here I never realized how far off a small town can be to the normal social acceptance...  The way people talk to each other and treat each other...

I was in Macy's and was in need of a fitting room to be unlocked...  took me 15minutes just to find someone that could unlock it for me...  And when I asked the young lady to open the dressing room, she told me that no one was working in this department, but she would open it for me as long as I was sure to put the clothes back on the rack and be sure the door was locked behind me...  WHAT????  Seriously???  She did NOT just ask me to do her job...  It's not like it's a large Macy's either, she was working with two other girls in the department across the walk way...  What happened to Customer Service in small towns? or was it ever here to begin with...  Maybe I've grown too accustomed to the personal shopping service I receive in California at the major department stores...  The places where people want you to spend your money and look good doing it...

I would think that in a small town people would take more pride in what they do and what they accomplish...  maybe peer pressure or appearance isn't what it used to be...  I was generally raised to help other people when I found someone in need, whether I was getting paid for it or not...  I thought that was a value from my small town upbringing, that would prove to be an endearment in the big city life I now live...

Has the world in general no matter where we live become self serving and lazy?  Or are ethical and good hearted values still out there in this cruel world?

Stepping Back in Time

I came home to the place of my childhood for a wedding...  Now you would think it would be a wonderful occasion, family and friends all gathering together to witness the coming together of two young people in love...  However, there are a number of things wrong with that when you see it through my eyes...

First, is the drive home across the Nevada desert with plenty of time to get the wheels in my head turning and spinning...  The poor widow me takes over as I contemplate the beautiful time in my life, when I wedded someone that I truly loved and had the promise of building our dreams together for the future-- only to be snatched away from me by someone driving under the influence and killing my beloved...  In a matter of moments the course of my life was knocked off it's axis with frequent aftershocks still trembling through the ground that was once solid beneath my dreams...  and yet as shaken as my life has become, everyone else's life goes on in a semi charted course...

Second, going home to the family with relatives and sisters all being present...  the dynamics and personalities resort back to the perhaps sibling rivalry that was ever present as we grew up until we each got our own lives and put a little distance between us so we could appreciate the good parts of our relationships without being bombarded by the bad...

Third, the judgement that seems to be laid with slight comments can be paralyzing at times...  don't make any quick sudden movements, think carefully about what you are going to say before you say it (because inevitably it will be heard as something critical), and under any circumstances don't let them know what is really going through your mind...  Although I have a tendency to say exactly what is on my mind, my way of keeping it real (probably not always a good thing).... If you can, just sit back and watch the event unfold and just always make sure they know you love them...

I will say that while I miss my Dad being here, it isn't bad to not be bothered about not contributing to the grandchild pool...  Especially when I'm surrounded by my sisters, their wonderful husbands and their many beautiful children...

I do love my family, and it is nice being able to spend time with them and get caught up on what is going on in their lives...  Sometimes I get too disconnected...